Where the Blazes Have I Been?

So, what's in a year?

Some stuff has happened lately that has given me a renewed interest in resuming this food blog. I won't go back over the whole year, only that as of last summer, I had pretty well abandoned this food writing idea. Food had become something I made as simply as possible, while still trying to remain healthy. I wasn't really inspired, as I feel I had been in the last ten years. I felt that I was over it. There are so many food blogs out there now - and so many of them do this so much better than I do. I don't own a Mac, and my pictures look decidedly less fancy compared to others with each passing year.

I feel that God places things in our path at times, and we can either continue to walk around them and ignore the signposts, or we can stop and pay attention. Suffice to say, my signposts had begun to accumulate. A voice was needling me from somewhere in the back of my mind.

In September, I had a wonderful time at my older daughter's birthday party. I made her a Rapunzel cake; my first fondant cake with homemade fondant. It was incredibly fun, and I plan to do it again, possibly this summer when my younger daughter most likely has the Cinderella-themed party that she's been insisting on for months. They seldom let go of things, my kids.

Anyway, my mother-in-law made some shredded pork sandwiches for the party, which I ate and enjoyed very much. The next day, I promptly became a vegan, and have not looked back. I am in love with it.

(Then, I also turned the remnants of our herb garden into a large batch of Nonno's seasoning.)

Was this a shockingly sudden move on my part? Well, I'm sure it seems that way to most people. But I've been led to this point by the convergence of several others. First of all, I'm not so much an animal rights activist, but well, meat has just started to seem... Yucky. I watched an episode of "Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives" (a program I still enjoy, owing to the habit I have of watching cook shows that feature food I would never cook or eat), and they showed an entire pig being brought up out of a crank-turned smoker on a grate. It had been gutted, and laid open. It had smoked so long it was just holding its form together in a near-gelatin state. The diner's cook thrust his hand between the skin and the ribs, unceremoniously ripping out various cuts of meat ("there's your tenderloin") and throwing pig liquid all over the room. I thought, "Yeah, I'm done."

On top of this, I always enjoy vegetarian food. I know I may be a freak, but I already knew I loved tofu, seitan and tempeh. I just usually used cheese liberally in my vegetarian dishes. Did I want to give that up? Until recently, I also couldn't picture life without eggs. I'd been heard to say that I felt vegetarianism was logical, but veganism was something I viewed as a type of eating disorder. But back to that in a moment.

The second influence on me was a couple articles I'd read by vegan athletes. I was eating more lean meat than ever (note the post, "Diet Plate,") based on the advice of periodicals like "Runner's World," which pushes a lot of lean meat, telling you that as a runner, you need 30% more protein, printing meaty recipes, etc. I was exhausted almost all the time (which I actually blamed on my children). So when I read about Scott Jurek (which I also have to credit to "Runner's World," though you'll notice that the tone of the article treats him like quite the novelty), another component slid into place. He talks about coming to this decision a little at a time, over a period of years, which is how I feel my journey has been. I was eating meat, but my tastes have been evolving in the last ten years, from someone who really enjoyed her Cheez Whiz, into someone who really enjoys broccoli rabe. Anyway, I had read another couple articles in the same week, seemingly placed into my path somehow.

I decided to try it out for a couple of weeks, just to see what happened. As my brother says, "I figure if I ever change my mind, the meat is still there." So without pressuring myself, or expecting much either, I decided to try it out. I needed a new adventure, and I figured maybe I'd lose two pounds or so for my efforts.

My first vegan meal was acorn squash, stuffed with black rice, dried fruit and chopped nuts, apples, and topped with lots of cinnamon, margarine, and brown sugar.

(It was very good, but I decided I had over-sweetened it.) The next week, I went out to dinner with my friends Brooke, Kim, and Brooke's incredible family (still waiting for them to sign my adoption papers) at Vapiano's in the city. I ordered an entire pizza without cheese, ate the entire thing, and then the next morning I got up and ran my first marathon.

(My knees started killing me at about mile 18, but I attribute that to too many weekday miles, not the vegan diet.**) Anyway, after two weeks, I felt better than I ever have in my life. Like, WAY better. Incredibly alert, energetic, strong and beautiful. And I still do. Then I watched "Forks Over Knives," and the infamous China Study solidified my views on things. Sealed the deal, I guess.

(**I will say this, and apologize. If you go vegan, expect a certain side-effect to go on for a couple weeks until your body adjusts to the whole foods and fiber. Find a quiet corner at work, crop-dust, and get through it. I got better, and I still have some friends.)

I continued things all the way through Thanksgiving, when I kept everything vegan, except the turkey roll I made for the family. I served roasted brussel sprouts with chestnuts, mom's rolls (veganized version), stuffing, baked sweet potatoes, and a Tofurkey roast, which apparently only I didn't like. It reminded me that I had cut out most of the processed food in my life for a reason.

I love the food I am eating, and I look forward to sharing. My family is not vegan, though they often eat what I make, so if I adapt a recipe for them, I will share this also. If we go to a burger joint together, you're going to see that also. Cooking vegan has been a true adventure, as well as a learning process, both in culinary technique, and in integrating the cuisine into my family's life. Thanks for your support!

Tweaking the Pizza on the Grill

Okay, I'm getting really good at this, and I have to make some notes on what I've been doing: 425 degrees on the stone for 6.5 minutes. Instant polenta underneath for motion... You need some corn meal to slide the pizza off the peel, and onto the pre-heated stone on the grill. I've used stone-ground coarse corn meal, and it's like eating a pizza that's been dropped onto gravel. The instant polenta still has the ball-bearing effect, doesn't burn (like breadcrumb does), and isn't crunchy.

I used Trader Joe's whole-wheat pizza dough. I keep a bunch in the freezer and thaw them on the counter in the bag. The dough ball HAS to be room temperature, and if it is wet and tacky, it has to be well-floured all around before stretching. Then the peel has to be floured, and then a light coating of corn meal spread on. I build the pizza right on the peel. Don't wait too long - it will begin to stick, so get it on the grill.

This temperature is perfect. The dough will cook and rise before the bottom blackens. I check it at about 6 minutes. My grill has a thermometer on the hood. Not as hot: dough doesn't cook. Too hot: blackened crust.

This pizza is topped with mushroom sauce, and leftover sauteed spinach that I had cooked with garlic and onions. The cheese is a shredded mix, with parmesan and Italian herb seasoning added (gives it that pizza flavor). Lastly, I added basil from the garden after cooking.

Heart-Shaped Stuff, or "Happy Black Monday"

I was gonna call this post, "Hey! Wait! I've Got a New Complaint," but, eh. Maybe I'm dating myself with that. And hey, maybe YOU'RE dating yourself this Valentine's Day! In which case, you probably don't wanna hear any more about it, in which case, I apologize. I'm remembering one particular V-Day in Chicago, when I went to pick up my roommate and friend Katie after work. I stopped at a gas station off Ohio Street, and promptly locked my keys in my car. I soon had the help of two cabbies, one minivan mom, and no less than eight gangbangers trying to help me break into my own car. The cabbie had an illegal jimmy in his trunk, but it didn't work on a car "as old as mine." The gangbangers fished out a coat hanger, but after an hour it was finally me that extended it long enough to unlock the door on the side opposite me. All the criminals cheered, and the mom got in her car as quickly as possible. Spending the day that way just made being single that much more special for me.

Well, this Valentine's Day, I will have three dates. I haven't made any dinner plans, and we don't have a babysitter that day, so I may be employing the old standard: a heart-shaped pizza.

This one is from Wayne's in Arlington Heights, but most pizza places do this. A nice option for some of the fellas: pair this with a nice piece of jewelry, and no one will really care that you didn't cook (plus she gets the night off from it). Just a thought.

If you want more of a simple breakfast-in-bed, jump-up, kick-in-the-privates from the adorable children, you can pair a "red scramble" (good diced salami, scrambled with eggs, topped with parmesan) with a heart-shaped artisan roll:

Easy to do - just use an oblong roll with rounded ends, cut in half on the diagonal, and then split. You could use red jam if you wanted to go further with the red thing.

Just for fun, I have some photos of some other heart-shaped things. Since this is a food blog, I'll spare you the picture of the perfect heart my cat left in his litter box, and just show you the heart-shaped potato I found!

Cutting it in half was a bit weird, though. And sometimes I cut into a pepper, and there's another little baby pepper in there. This one had a heart inside, which I found cool, and then upsetting and anatomical.

Well, anyway. Neither here nor there, but what other post was I gonna use those pictures on?

Have a Happy Valentine's Day, or alternatively, just get through it without drunkenly attacking any singing telegrams, tearing the heads off someone else's flowers, or locking your keys in your own car.

Game Day, and We Don't Care

BBQ chicken goat cheese pizza for the Superbowl, cuz we're a bunch of snobby a-holes. Here's the link if you wanna make it.

Chinese Cabbage, Help Me Into These Pants

So, I'm six months out from my second baby. As with the first time, after the nausea subsided, I wanted a variety of greasy meats. Here's a glimpse of the type of thing I craved during my pregnancy! Hopefully, you can keep your breakfast down.

Since you probably can't tell, that's Jaenicke's hot dog chili (from my frozen stash, since they're 2 hours away and only open in summer) on pasta,  and Cheez Whiz. And a salad. You know, for the baby. Not impressed? Okay, how about a little fire, Scarecrow?

I also made the chili into a pizza. Oh yeah, and of course, chili dogs, because I didn't need to be creative all the time, I just needed to cram it into my gigundic maw.

I couldn't even wait to take the picture for that one.

Anyway, here's the pasta remix:

I cut the extra-firm tofu in half lengthwise, wrapped it in paper towels, and pressed it under a heavy pot for over an hour. Then I cubed it, tossed it in corn starch, and fried it very lightly in just a tiny bit of oil. When it was done, I seasoned it with salt, pepper, and chili powder. Then I set it aside, and sautéed mixed mushrooms (with shiitake and oyster, but you can use regular), and cubed Chinese cabbage (bok choy). I seasoned it with a tiny bit of salt, pepper, and a LITTLE Chinese five spice blend. Then I tossed it in a whisked mixture of about a tablespoon of Hoisin sauce, a little rice wine vinegar, and about a half cup of chicken broth. I served it over buckwheat soba noodles and added the tofu back in. I have a little less than 8 pounds still to lose, and then I'm buying all new underwear for myself as my reward. I will let everyone know when I get there by announcing on facebook, "IT IS UNDERWEAR DAY AT LAST."

Oh, what the hell. Here's one more photo of Jewel's chicken fingers, cheese sticks, and various full-fat dipping sauces. Time to say, "Bon voya-gee, Sam and Stella!"

Wayne's Pizza

About six months ago, I found out my cholesterol was slightly high. That was the wake-up call that I needed to lose the last fifteen pounds of pregnancy weight. Coming off Thanksgiving weekend (okay, week if I'm being honest), I'm back to eating big salads and righting myself again. But the week sure was fun while it lasted! And hey... Now that the weight is off, it's all part of the maintenance plan. (Meaning, I can hog out now and then.)

When one of those times comes around, one wicked place to eat is Wayne's Pizza in Arlington Heights, IL. They have a great thin crust pizza (my favorite is spinach and mushroom), and their "nibbles" are amazing. I love the cauliflower bites. I could drink a liter of their ranch dressing (yeah, if that sounds disgusting, try it... And then you tell me). And recently (dammit), I discovered that their chicken wings are my favorite (even over Hooters' wings, which I heard a rumor that they have changed, anyway). This place isn't paying me, so believe me when I say that if you eat here all the time? Your health is gonna suffer. But if you eat at Wayne's now and then... I think it might make your life better.

Pizza Stone and Pizza on the Grill

Lookie my new toys!



I've been messing with this all summer. I bought a pizza peel (the big paddle), and a large rectangular pizza stone on Amazon.com. I went by the ones with a high rating. I have been buying the whole wheat pizza dough from Trader Joe's, and I've had a lot of success with that. But you could make your own. I tried Pillsbury refrigerated dough on the stone once, and it scorched on the bottom and was raw on the top. I had to throw it out. But at a lower temperature, it might have worked.

I started this because I've never had a crispy bottom crust in the oven, ever. Sure, Boboli work, but I wanted real pizza: chewy inside, floury on top, and crunchy on the bottom. Well, turns out you need a stone. And it could not be easier.

You build the pizza on the paddle, and you're supposed to use corn meal. Well, I've used Italian breadcrumb, and that seems to work okay. The purpose of this is just ball-bearings... You know, to move the dough off of the peel easily. The stone gets pre-heated on the propane grill (or in your oven). Mine gets up to just over 400 degrees (medium-high works pretty well). Also, you MUST use room temperature dough. Otherwise, it's like trying to roll a rubber band. Also, it won't puff up while cooking.



I use marinara out of a jar, but I've found it can be watery. You can mix it with tomato paste and heat it, or barbecue sauce. Or, just touch a paper towel corner to the watery parts when it comes out, and the water will wick up into the towel.



I've made all kinds of pizzas this summer, but all a little bit healthy. Turkey sausage, sun-dried tomatoes, mozzarella... Take my advice and use the shrink-wrapped cheese, not the kind in water. Too much water on your pie. And I dunno about you, but I've never sat on Santa's lap and asked for a watery pie.



After some trial and error (and a lot of blackened dough), turns out these babies cook in about four minutes! (Lets see Domino's beat that). But you want to burn it just a LITTLE bit... This is supposed to simulate the coal or wood-burning pizzeria oven, after all!



I also bought a honkin' pizza blade to cut the pizza with, shaped kind of like a saber and a mezza luna combined (they have them at Bed, Bath and Beyond). Your little wheel just isn't ready for this kind of crunch.

BBQ Chicken Pizza and Twice-Baked Potatoes

I know I've shared my recipe for BBQ chicken in the crockpot before, but oh lord, I'm getting good at this.



It's finally got that dark mahogany color and smoky flavor that I want it to have. Here's the new and improved recipe:

two cups of ketchup
one cup of mustard, any kind
two capfuls of liquid smoke
about a quarter to a half cup of molasses
one cup of packed brown sugar
as much Red Hot sauce as you think you’ll like
one dark beer, or a couple of shots bourbon for a thicker sauce
half a medium onion, diced finely
two cloves diced garlic
a heavy shake of cumin (don’t be shy) and a shake of coriander
salt and pepper (plenty of black pepper)
two small cans of tomato paste (this is the new part - my sauce was coming out too runny)

(This is the same recipe that I printed here for the beef ribs. You can really plunge any meat ya like into this sauce, and it'll come out tasty. Or in a pinch, use shoe leather.) In this case, I put two packages of chicken into it, and cooked it for six hours. When the chicken shreds very easily with a fork, shred it all up right there in the Crockpot. This recipe makes a ton of chicken. I freeze half for another time. You can use some in tacos, on buns as sandwiches, or on a pizza (great with goat cheese and thinly sliced red onions, and more cheddar on top).



I decided some would be great on top of some twice-baked potatoes. So I made up a recipe for those, and it came out great. First, bake four potatoes. Use the big brown russet or baking potatoes for this. Scrub them, pierce them with a fork in several places, salt them liberally and put a dab of butter on top of them inside some foil. Wrap them up and bake them for about an hour to 75 minutes at 400 degrees. (I've read some recipes since that insist you don't use the foil - I'll try this next time. But I didn't want the skins to shrivel, and they didn't doing this with the foil.) When they come out, vent them a little and let them cool until you can handle them. Then scoop out most of the insides into a bowl, leaving about a half-inch of flesh. You can't really scoop all of it out, because then the skin will be too thin.

To the potato flesh, add one brick of cream cheese (light is fine). Sauté one diced half-onion and one clove of crushed garlic in a little oil, and add that to the mixture, plus a little salt. Mix, and put the mixture back in the potatoes (I had returned them to the foil I used before). Then top with cheddar, and bake at 375 degrees for about fifteen minutes.



You can top them with bacon or anything else you like. I put the BBQ chicken on top, along with scallions and light sour cream (hey, every little bit helps.)



They were mounded so high, we ended up just eating a half at a time, so it made lots of nice leftovers.

Hey, love BBQ, bacon, swearing and hardened arteries? You have to check out this post on my brother's blog (he's the funny one in the family.) But don't go if you don't like the swearing. As a matter of fact, what are you still reading my goddamn blog for?

Sliced Veggie Pizza

One of my experimental pizzas recently turned out very well, and if I'm not mistaken, it has the added benefit of being quite good for you.



I sliced up yellow squash, potatoes, zucchini, and eggplant. I used the grill pan for all of the veggies, but you could use a regular grill. If I ever do it again, I will sauté the thin potato slices in a separate pan. It took a long time to get them cooked through on the grill pan, much longer than it ever has in a regular sauté pan (I do potato slices like this for frittatas or egg pies). I wanted all of the veggies pretty much done, and then just leave the cheese to be melted. I started in the middle of the crust, and alternated veggie slices in an outward spiral until the obsessive child inside of me was warm and swaddled. I mean, until I reached the edge of the crust.

I didn't use any sauce, because I thought the finished product would be kinda juicy by itself. I was right. It was very good with just some garlic and olive oil on the crust (I used Trader Joe's pre-made whole wheat Tabula Rasa crust) and the oil and seasoning I used to grill the veggies.

Marinara Sauce from Scratch

I have some friends who, since the advent in recent years of competitive cooking shows, have flattered me by saying that I should try out for one of those shows. The truth is, I am really just someone who likes to eat, and experiment at home. I have no clue as to certain types of cooking technique. There are areas I just haven't ventured into yet (see the following), and areas I never intend to venture into (why would I try and make great Chicago-style pizza at home when Lou Malnati's makes the perfect pie?) I would be sure to make a total ass of myself on national television. Want a for instance? Here is my shame: until last summer, I never ever made marinara sauce from scratch - meaning, from real, whole, fresh tomatoes.

But you can't say that about me now!



I have friends, blog-reading friends, and adamant strangers tell me that (especially as an Italian) I should be loaded into a cannon and shot straight into hell for not making my sauce from scratch every week. Maybe they're right. But how do you sustain this 100% of the time? Humbly and truly, I just do not get it. The sauce I was taught to make comes from canned tomatoes. That's not really "from scratch." (Maybe that's what some of these people mean, as opposed to jar sauce. Well, if that's what they mean, then THEY'RE not making sauce from scratch, either.) Anyway, that's all I've ever done: either dad's sauce or marinara from canned tomatoes, or a good jar sauce when in a hurry, sick, or hung-over. (I know, I know. But don't throw your tomatoes. Save them for sauce!)



Here's what happened. Ma came to visit, and brought (sorry Ma) a SHIT-ton of beautiful, fresh tomatoes and a lorry-load of okra. What I usually do with tomatoes from her garden is grab a salt shaker, slice, and eat. But this was more than we could have gotten through before the fully ripe beauties went bad. We ate our fill (she, Chris and I) at every meal, and I still had a ton left when she left. So I called my brother and said, "How the hell do I do this?" He said to wash up the tomatoes (natch) and to dip them for a minute or two in boiling water. Then you could peel off the skin, and seed them. These garden tomatoes were so ripe, I just had to run them under hot tap water. I peeled off the skin, split them open in my hands, and scooped out the seeds with my fingers. I set them all aside in a bowl.

I heated a deep skillet with some olive oil, then heated some garlic in it. I finely diced as much onion as I wanted in it, then heated that. I added some "baby bellos," (small portobello mushrooms), and sweated those. Then I added the tomatoes, as much fresh oregano and basil as I thought proper, and some red wine. I kept letting it cook down, adding salt, pepper and about a bit of sugar as I went (it cuts the acid). I just kept tasting it, and soon it was definitely sauce. Whoopee! The bellos are optional, and I like to add a bit of red pepper flakes, but if you don't care for a spicier sauce, you could leave that out, too. You could add green pepper but... guh. Not for this kid.

I had plenty of sauce left over for pizza and pasta throughout the week, so perhaps if I ever get a deep freeze and the garden going next year, I can make enough over a summer to ALWAYS make my sauce from scratch (or at least defrost it that way).

Smoked Cheese and Broccoli Pizza

Things have been pretty stressful around here lately... We have been house-hunting, and trying to figure out how to balance what we want in a house (Chris wants a basement, and I want either a nice kitchen, or a house cheap enough to renovate the kitchen) with the area that we want to live in (we like a walk to either downtown Arlington Heights, Mt. Prospect, or Des Plaines). As I write this, we are in a price negotiation over a house. I have decided to post in an attempt to distract myself from the worrying!

When my time is limited, I tend to rely on Trader Joe's or other places that I can get simple, prepped food to put together (Market Day helps, too). Chris requested "broccoli pizza" one night, and I thought that sounded good, too. I dunno where he came up with that, but I was happy to provide something so simple.

I steamed a bag of pre-cut broccoli florets, and shredded some smoked jack cheese over some plain shredded mozzarella. I layered them over tomato sauce and extra minced garlic over a pre-made wheat pizza crust (Tabula Rasa is the Joe's brand.) While layering the pizza, I caught Chris making an appetizer out of the cheese and broccoli.



He was putting a small pile of smoked cheese atop a steamed broccoli floret and eating them one at a time. I tried it, and he was really onto something, there!



I knew that the pizza would turn out well because our snack had been so good. That rich taste that broccoli has, and the smoked cheese went really well together.

Pasta Regina Margherita

A lot of you are probably familiar with the basic pizza margherita, named after Queen Margherita of Italy. The colors of the neopolitan pizza are in honor of the Italian flag: the green of the basil, the white of the mozzarella, and the red of the tomato sauce. This cold pasta salad is my version of those same basic colors and flavors, and unlike a whole pizza, you can toss it in the air and catch it in your mouth, even if you're not a Border Collie.



one box of whole-wheat farfalle, or whatever pasta you like
a couple handfuls of the basil and scallions, chopped small
2 cloves garlic, minced fine
1 small bag of sun-dried tomatoes, cubed
1 drained container of ovoline, the pearl-shaped fresh mozzarella
1 large handful of pignoli, or pine nuts, toasted and tossed in a skillet first

Cook the pasta, rinse it and drain it. Combine all the other ingredients, then dress it: combine 1 cup olive oil, 1/4 cup balsamic vinegar, the juice of one lemon, at least a tablespoon of salt, some pepper to taste, and about a tablespoon of sugar. Whisk that in a Pyrex or shake it in a container. Toss the pasta in it, and taste it. Add salt or pepper, or red pepper flakes, as I like to do. You can chill this a little, or serve it at room temperature, which I think is better.



I brought this to a housewarming party some time ago, and I think everyone liked it. The sun-dried tomatoes and the pignolis keep it from being bland (and the red pepper, if you add it.) It was pretty cost-effective, and you could have fed an army with the amount it made.

Brooke's Artichoke Dip

Now that I've posted about baking something from scratch (even if I didn't do the cooking), I have to post about something simple to make, or I may end up with a rash. And, eyw, no one wants that.



When I was a freshman in college (age 19, I think), my friend Brooke would also be home, because she was still in high school. Her house was on my way back to route 17, which I took through Dwight and over to I-55 to Bloomington. And what a sad, dark journey that was, especially in winter. So Brooke's house was something I could look forward to, and help stave off the inevitable homesickness I got from going back to school on a Sunday night. I don't remember the particulars surrounding this visit, or what season it was, but I do know she and her mom sent me back to school with two slices of "white pizza" with artichoke hearts. I unwrapped the slices from their tin foil before I went to bed that night. That's because when I was 19, what I really liked to do was stay up too late, eat too much 'round the clock, and complain about why I was gaining weight, sluggish, and still a virgin.

Anyway, I was totally knocked out by what I was eating. I thought it was one of the tastiest things I'd ever eaten, and it wasn't even warmed up, as I was instructed to eat it. Brooke gave me the simple recipe, and I've used it countless times since:

2 cups mozzarella cheese
1 cup parmesan (FINELY grated -- the powdery kind)
1 cup mayonnaise (I now use Hellman's Reduced Fat, the greatest lowfat mayo ever)

To that, you can add:

1 bag of rinsed-until-thawed artichoke hearts, broken up a bit with your fingers (canned works too, but the frozen ones are much fresher-tasting), as Brooke taught me originally,
or/and
1 box frozen spinach, thawed and drained (I started doing this sometimes later),
or/and
1 jar drained mushrooms
or/and
a little smoked shredded jack cheese across the top (this is a "new" alternative)
and
garlic seasoning, salt and pepper to taste

Pat dry any veggies you are using with a bunch of paper or one "real" towel. Mix well until combined, and then, in one version, you can place the dip in an oven-safe container (as in the photo above). Bake it for 45 minutes or so at about 350, and check on it. I like to put it under the broiler for a minute or two at the end, and serve it with pita bread or chips. Alternatively, you can spread it on a Boboli crust instead of the casserole dish, brushed beforehand with olive oil, and with some crushed garlic scattered about (then you can serve it as a white pizza).

As many times as I've made this, I've probably screwed it up just as many times. Benefit from my mistakes... Here are some things you should not do:

• Do not add the mushrooms/spinach/artichoke hearts until they are VERY dry, drained and then toweled off.


• Do not "eyeball" the measurements. Of COURSE I have attempted that, and it has always bombed, and the end result is "mayonnaise-y." When done properly, there is no hint of the mayo at the end. This was the first dish I made my husband, ever, and there was too much mayo in it. He was reluctant to try it again. (Now he likes it, knowing what it is supposed to taste like.)


• Don't over-salt it. The parmesan is already pretty salty.


• Do not forget the parmesan. Famously, I talked this dish up like crazy to my friends in college, made it, and served it to my friend Fred without adding the parmesan. The end result was too gross to even get into describing.


• Do not use shredded parmesan instead of grated parmesan. I find that it throws off the proportions.

Let ye all take heed. I know Brooke is laughing by now.

Anyway, when I make this for Chris and I as opposed to bringing it to a party, we have a lot left over. I found a third use for it: the dip makes great grilled sandwiches later on!



Just spread the cold, refrigerated dip between bread slices, or with grilled turkey as I've done here. Grill it as you would a grilled cheese. Delish.

Thanks for the recipe, Brooke! Hope I got it right. Love to you and your mom!

Smoky Portobello Pizza

A recent trip to Trader Joe's yielded a veggie assortment, and some lovely smoked Jack cheese. The cheese was milder than some of the smoked cheeses I've bought in recent years (some of the goudas out there will make you feel that you need treatment for smoke inhalation), and I really liked it. We decided to make a pizza. Okay, I decided. I don't consult Chris on these matters, as asking him what he wants for dinner always yields a simple, "Whatever you think, babe." I just go.



I used a whole-wheat crust, brushed with minced garlic and a little olive oil. I used tomato sauce, spread thinly, then drizzled generously with Famous Dave's Texas Pit sauce (any BBQ sauce would do, but seriously, you should try that one.) Then I topped with just a tiny bit of grilled veggies (about a quarter of a veggie of each): zucchini, red onion, and yellow squash. I grilled a whole package of sliced portobello mushrooms, because I wanted them to be the predominant flavor. Then I topped it with smoked jack cheese, and a bit of regular shredded cheese mix after that.



You could use any smoked cheese, just taste a bit and you'll be able to estimate how much to use, and how much to moderate with the non-smoked cheese. It would have been even better with shredded Swiss added (just trust me on this -- this pizza is based on an individual-bite appetizer I like). I think it would also be great made on the grill, if you have the means.

Mediterranean Summer Pizza

I did it again... I found myself a couple of weeks ago without any marinara sauce. Or canned tomatoes. Or fresh tomatoes. And of course, what I really wanted to make was pizza. Could I make a pizza without it, I wondered, that wouldn't be dry, hard, and suitable only for a game of Frisbee?

Well, this pizza is what resulted. And it was light, summery, and very, very good.



I grilled two small chicken breasts (one large would do) with my usual mediterranean seasoning, alongside some asparagus (just a few spears). I chopped those, and mixed them in a bowl with crumbled feta, half a diced red onion, and some diced Greek olives (I used black and green mixed, but I think either one, or just Sicilian olives would be great). Lastly, I added the juice of one small lemon, and the grated zest.

I brushed the whole-wheat (prepared) crust with extra-virgin olive oil, and added minced garlic before spreading on the diced toppings. Then I drizzled with just a little a bit more oil, and added a light amount of shredded cheese (there was already feta, after all) and some Italian dried seasoning on top.

Then I just baked it at the recommended temperature for the pizza crust until the toppings were gold and bubbly. It was hearty and fresh, and we didn't miss the sauce at all.

X-Rated Bachelorette Bread

I have thought long and hard about posting this, and believe me, that's only the first of several dirty pun opportunities that I'm probably going to fall into during the course of this post without even knowing. But I mean, there are some lovely people reading this blog now, including someone's grandmother, for crying out loud. But I still "gotta be me, what else can I be?" Call it artistic integrity, if you're inclined to be optimistic about my character. Or if not, blame the fact that too many of my formative years were spent in an all-male household, and as we all know, men are dirty, dirty pigs. Right? Okay, we'll blame them.

So while warning you that this post is not for the faint-hearted, or those with delicate (or even normal) sensibilities, I give you without further ado... Cheezy Olive Penis Bread. Now famous amongst about ten of my closest friends, whom I have personally horrified with its presentation.



Why, oh why, you are asking, would I do something like this? Well, two things brought about my horrific creation. Long ago, I made some pepperoni rolls, in an attempt to recreate the ones that are sold by Gumby's Pizza in Champaign, IL. And I was pretty successful. It was photographed, of course.



I used refrigerated light breadstick dough or pizza dough, and turkey pepperoni (low in fat). I wrapped the dough around a stick of light string cheese and the pepperoni, and brushed them with a little light butter when they came out. Then we dipped them in light ranch dressing. (I think all that light stuff adds up, so they weren't very fatty at all.) They were delicious, but Chris and I couldn't help but notice that they had a slightly, ah, rude shape that made us snicker. A "two-headed" appearance, if you will.

The next fateful event was the engagement of my delightful friend, Jenny. We had a bachelorette gathering in her honor, to which she specified, "absolutely no penises, please." She was more referring to something large or inflatable that she would be forced to wear/carry/take photos with as we went out later on... But my first reaction, of course, was to make it a most penisful evening, indeed. She's a nice person, and she doesn't deserve to be treated that way. Serves her right for having me in her life.

I went to the naughty store, and I thought about purchasing the penis cake pan. But, how typical is that? My friend deserved better. Something crafted by my own loving hands. Aha, I remembered! The pepperoni rolls! All I needed to do was alter the, ah, base. Oh, I'm not gonna dance around it, if you've read this far, you can take it. I needed a nutsack. So I purchased some gourmet jalepeno-cheese stuffed olives, and some black olives (because I didn't know which size would look better.) Let the experimentation begin!

I told Chris when I got back from the store that I was going to bake a batch of bread in the shape of penises. "Okay," he said, shrugging. "I'll take the pictures for you."



I figured out early on that I couldn't incorporate the pepperoni, or any pasta sauce (I had thought at first to make them pizza-style). There just wasn't room in there. Plus, the red pizza sauce sort of took it from "stag film" to "snuff film." I didn't want to go there, quite. (I wanted to be Rip Taylor, not Lorena Bobbitt). I also realized that simply pinching the dough together wouldn't keep it from bursting open (I know, I know) so I started using toothpicks, weaving them into a seam. I only had colored toothpicks -- yellow (I know, I know).



I placed the olives and the cheese, well, you know. Then I wove one toothpick through the top, making the unspeakable vein shape. Hang in there. Then I folded the top over, and pinned it with one more toothpick at the back, forming, um, the little hole. Sorry, everyone, so sorry. We're almost there.

Some of them still opened a little in the oven, but overall, they came out ("It's Raining Men" starts playing at those words) pretty well. I brought some marinara sauce and um, ranch for dipping with me to the party. (I know, I know).

I walked into a room full of still-sober ladies who asked me, "What did you bring, Gina?" "Penis bread," I announced. There was not one snicker of laughter. Nothing. I could actually hear the crickets chirping. Then someone, Ann I think, said, "Well, let me try one!" Ann is a fairly picky eater, and for being the first brave soul to try my creation, she promptly bit into the one toothpick I had been unsuccessful in finding. Yeah, watch out for that. And she doesn't even like olives.

"Oh dang," I thought. Failure! I thought. But slowly, with some drinks and growing hunger, every lady tried a uh, member of her own. Everyone talked about how delicious they were. I was like, yeah, great, but don't you think it's funny? Sure, sure, they said. Give me another one, they said, I'm starving.

I realized as the party went on that I had gotten so caught up in my project that I hadn't gotten Jenny a rude gift, as everyone else had done. Ann said, "Gina... Did you, or did you not fashion bread into the shape of a penis?" Yes, Ann. Yes I did.



When my friends bring this up, they still say "those were so tasty! Make those again!" And I'm okay with that. The novelty factor still makes me chuckle, personally, but in the end (if you spotted that one, you really do have a dirty mind) I'd rather people thought my food was tasty than anything else. Shape doesn't really matter.